Advice

About two months ago I was less concerned than I am at this moment about delivery and labor and more concerned about the logistics of having two kids.  I knew that ultimately everything would work out and I would find a way to take care of two, but thanks to my control issues, I must know exactly and specifically how everything is going to work!  No doubt, I will find out soon enough, but that wasn't soon enough for me, so I emailed my few friends with more than one kid (actually, all these friends have two).  

I asked each of them what it is like having two?  What is the most difficult part about raising two children, and what is the most rewarding?  What did they learn about managing two kids and what tips and tricks worked for them.  I know they are just a few stories, but their responses really helped me get into the mindset of having two little babies to take care of.  Here are their letters to me:

Mother of girl and boy approx 3 years a part:

The jump from one to two is huge, but people might have told you this already! I have a few friends with 3+ kids, and they have all said adding any additional children after 2 isn't as big of a deal as the initial jump from 1 to 2. As my mother-in-law says (mother of 5) "Children fill the space that is given to them." So basically, at any time, you or your husband can provide Kira with 100% of your attention right now. If your husband is watching her, then you can take a shower. What is going to happen with two is that it will often be that you are with the newborn while your husband is watching Kira, and it will become mathematically more difficult to find time for breaks alone. It will feel very chaotic at first but trust me you will get used to it quickly and find ways of doing what needs to be done to make you feel sane. Schedules and routines are good.

By now, you must be used to being a stay at home mommy so that won't be hard--but, newborns under three months are just constantly needing to be changed and held and fed every two hours. If you are home alone with Kira and the newborn, you will have to get Kira used to playing alone or assign her little helper tasks that will both keep her occupied and make her feel like she is helping you with the baby. Accept as much help as you can get, even if it means having your mom or someone stay at your house for the first two weeks and help with the housework. Or, you can consider signing her up for a playschool or nursery school program--one of those ones that are like only mornings three days a week or something. This will let her make friends and develop socially and allow you to have some important quiet bonding time with your newborn. And accept as much help as you can get, even if it means having your mom or someone stay at your house for the first two weeks and help with the housework.

You will probably also have to do something that allows for regular alone time with Kira without the newborn--maybe on the weekend you could sign up for a swimming or ballet lesson and go together. She will love it and it will ease any transitions that are bound to occur. Kids deal with new siblings in different ways--My daughter seemed absolutely fine with it from the beginning, and then three months after my son was born she started bringing up at random how scared she was when I went to the hospital, how did they get him out, she missed me, etc.

Another thing you will see on websites or in magazines is that you can buy Kira a (giant?) present to give her when the baby is born, and tell her that it is from the baby. We got my daughter a huge model zoo as her "big sister" present. And then (if she wants) you could take her to the toy store and have her pick out something that she thinks that the baby would like. It's kinda cheesy but it works well!

I spent the last month of my pregnancy with my son cooking non-stop too. I made all sorts of soup and stew and casseroles and bought tons of tupperware containers and stocked my fridge to the breaking point with healthy meals that I could just defrost every night. Make sure you label everything! I had enough dinner food for the first two months, and it was a lifesaver.

Mother of boy and girl approx 13 months a part:

I found it helpful to have "safe" places for my son. Hence why we gated up the family room and we got a superyard. If I was upstairs putting my daughter down or feeding her I found it extremely helpful knowing that wherever my son was he'd be entertained and safe. Again- he was a super late walker.

Have a great support system. I know your parents and Trevor's parents will be able to help you- esp the first month. My in-laws were with us the first month and my first week by myself was so hard. Don't be afraid to call for backup.

I don't know what really to tell you. Kira at least is older and is pretty well self sufficient for 2. If anything she can be a big help by being mommy's little helper. It'll be tough at first balancing two kids, but you eventually figure it out and it's not too bad. Kira will as well learn to understand and accept the fact that you have to attend to the baby. Does she have a baby of her own? I heard that sometimes helps.

One thing that helps with us is that even though our daughter is a little older I still have to help her more so than my son. I've noticed that he has regressed a little maybe because they are so close in age. I believe it helps when you've got some time- esp when the baby is sleeping- to have one on one time with Kira. Give her some undivided attention and she'll love it!

Bad things- #1 is sick kids! I am totally not a germ a phoebe, but if someone is sick and we're supposed to see them I'd much rather cancel and wait until they are better. Sick kids is the worst. Then it could turn into sick family- just plain bad.

Another bad is you feel like you can't do everything for everyone. Both kids will need your attention and esp when the baby is still little the little one wins. What can you do... baby needs feeding or changing or something. Slowly as baby #2 gets bigger it gets easier, but just know that times like this will occur.

This really isn't a good or bad, but just know that you're not supermom/ superwife. It takes time to adjust to having two kids and if the house isn't cleaned for a day then it'll still be there tomorrow to do. At least for me, my husband is really understanding and is very helpful with the kids.

There will be hard times, but you'll manage. You'll then have an absolutely wonderful day and you'll say to yourself it's all worth it. Enjoy being a mother of two little girls :)

Mother of two boys approx 2 years a part:

I too did not have time to spend thinking and enjoying the 2nd pregnancy as it was so busy with a toddler around. I was not too worried about looking after 2 kids because, as you know, my husband's mom lives with us so I would have help. Despite that, though, it is so busy and I really feel like you need to steal a moment for yourself just to take a breather and do simple things like have a meal that is not over within 5 minutes!!

All I can say is DO NOT REFUSE ANY OFFERS OF HELP OR BABYSITTING :) and also PICK YOUR BATTLES -- with a toddler testing your patience constantly while you tend to a screaming or fussy infant you will need to let some things slide a little. Otherwise, you will run yourself ragged trying to please everyone or keep things under control. Don't beat yourself up for cutting corners sometimes like letting your toddler watch a bit of TV while you get things done or the like. I don't know how you will feel but I am just so tired!

I spent quite a bit of time with the little one at the beginning and sometimes felt a bit guilty about my older son. It seemed like the older one was feeling it too as he did not want me involved with his day-to-day activities like bedtime stories etc but eventually when things calmed down a bit and I recovered from my C-section i was able to pick him up and started to get more invvolved with his day-today routine again. I also tried to get him to take part in helping me with taking care of the little one and always acknowledged his involvement so that he would not get too jealous of not having all the attention. He still gets jealous but loves his little brother now.

Anyway, despite all the craziness there is also a lot of happiness and I'm sure you will do great as your are a natural mom. Anyway, I hope i wasn't too long-winded and that you can gain something from all this.

Oh yeah, is Kira going to day care or will she be at home with you too? If I didn't have help, my older son would most likely have been in day care full-time :)