It's Actually a Cry for Help
Kira's school has a new headmaster. She started making changes in the last few months of the previous school year, and this September marked the beginning of her first full year. The changes have been a little unnerving (change is hard for everyone), but overall, I really like her ideas and passion. One of the many new things she created is monthly meetings. All parents are invited and we talk about her ideas and progress on important changes/projects. We had a meeting today, and she invited a speaker to talk about preschooler behavior and healthy ways of dealing with family conflict. The speaker is actually an RN, and her experience in child behavior comes from raising her own three children and working with clients for whatever whatever years (I don't remember). At first, I was skeptical of her expertise and found her examples very anecdotal. But after some reflection, I have to admit she made some good points.
First, she had us talk about some of the difficulties we were having. The discussion was brainstorm style, and she jotted them down on an easel pad.
- sibling rivalry
- power struggles
- child making up excuses v.s. having an actual problem
- isolation and lack of communication (a couple of the mom's have 6/7 year old daughters and they are having issues talking about social situations in school)
Then we talked about how why we think these problems exist, and that was easy: limited time and limited resources.
Then we made us visualize a recent conflict/outburst and had us list the feelings we were experiencing:
- frustration
- helplessness
- fatigue
- anger
Then, she said something interesting: imagine your child's behavior as a cry for help. She said it in a very artful way. She used the Wizard of Oz as an analogy. When the characters first meet the wizard, he's a huge intimidating holographic head. She said to imagine that this head is the "outburst." But, we know from watching the movie, that behind the curtain is a meak old man, and that is your child, needing your help. Then she asked us to tell what we felt given that new perspective:
- empathetic
- guilty
- empowered
- motivated
Overall, I didn't really like her as a speaker because she took a really long time getting to her point. Despite that, she has a good point. Instead of taking the bad behavior personally, remind yourself that your child is trapped and essentially needs your help. That made me think of all the times Kira and I have had conflict: when she gets dressed in the morning (power struggle), when she takes Renee's toys (sibling rivalry). All those outbursts were actually her trying to assert her independence or take her share of limited resources. But, I never really saw it that way. I just saw her as disobeying me, or tormenting her sister.
First of all, I feel enlightened. Second of all, I do feel motivated to handle things differently. However, in reality, I don't think that future conflicts will play out any differently. Even though I have a new perspective, I don't really have tools for changing the way I react/respond. Maybe a new outlook is all I need, but I don't expect it is enough. I'll let you know if this new idea actually affects our interactions.
First, she had us talk about some of the difficulties we were having. The discussion was brainstorm style, and she jotted them down on an easel pad.
- sibling rivalry
- power struggles
- child making up excuses v.s. having an actual problem
- isolation and lack of communication (a couple of the mom's have 6/7 year old daughters and they are having issues talking about social situations in school)
Then we talked about how why we think these problems exist, and that was easy: limited time and limited resources.
Then we made us visualize a recent conflict/outburst and had us list the feelings we were experiencing:
- frustration
- helplessness
- fatigue
- anger
Then, she said something interesting: imagine your child's behavior as a cry for help. She said it in a very artful way. She used the Wizard of Oz as an analogy. When the characters first meet the wizard, he's a huge intimidating holographic head. She said to imagine that this head is the "outburst." But, we know from watching the movie, that behind the curtain is a meak old man, and that is your child, needing your help. Then she asked us to tell what we felt given that new perspective:
- empathetic
- guilty
- empowered
- motivated
Overall, I didn't really like her as a speaker because she took a really long time getting to her point. Despite that, she has a good point. Instead of taking the bad behavior personally, remind yourself that your child is trapped and essentially needs your help. That made me think of all the times Kira and I have had conflict: when she gets dressed in the morning (power struggle), when she takes Renee's toys (sibling rivalry). All those outbursts were actually her trying to assert her independence or take her share of limited resources. But, I never really saw it that way. I just saw her as disobeying me, or tormenting her sister.
First of all, I feel enlightened. Second of all, I do feel motivated to handle things differently. However, in reality, I don't think that future conflicts will play out any differently. Even though I have a new perspective, I don't really have tools for changing the way I react/respond. Maybe a new outlook is all I need, but I don't expect it is enough. I'll let you know if this new idea actually affects our interactions.
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