Kira Having Tantrums
It's been going on for weeks. I haven't been approaching the problem methodically, so I don't really know where to start, the primary cause, or exactly how we have been coping. I'm going to try and make sense of it all in this post.
I want to say it all started once Renee grew out of her baby phase and into her toddler phase. Kira could see Renee was becoming more like an equal and less like something that takes up all of her mommy's time and attention, and she can't even communicate with the thing to boot. Renee is talking now and responds to Kira's questions. I think in Kira's mind, she sees Renee as one of her peers, like her friends at school. When they play, Renee can't keep up or does not want to cooperate, and right away Kira will lose her patience, get frustrated/agitated, and eventually throw a tantrum. These tantrums range from full out crying and screaming to stomping away and refusal to discuss.
When she cries, I find myself doing any of the following:
- completely ignoring her
- putting her in a timeout (in the bathroom, door shut)
- raising my voice to reason with her
- yelling and threatening her to stop
When she stomps off, I find myself doing any of the following:
- completely ignoring her
- explaining that she needs to lower her expectations for Renee
- telling her she is not playing nicely
Honestly, I don't think any of these methods are working! Well, I know by now that tantrums need to run their course, and so ignoring the outburst is the best line of action. But it's agonizing! I'm starting to realize that what I do and say to Kira after the tantrum has subsided is important and has a lasting effect on how she views herself. Sometimes what I say to her triggers the tantrum again and by that point, I have extremely little patience to ignore the cries, screams, crossed arms, scowling, and/or attitude. Or worse, she starts other irritating behavior, like acting like a baby, or clinging onto me.
Here's something I want to remind myself whenever Kira has a tantrum. I learned about the possibility of these thoughts and feelings in Kira from this article: http://informedparent.com/articles/view/when-children-tantrum-part-2
Reasons why Kira has a tantrum:
- she knows it is one way to get what she wants
- she's angry
- she wants to gain control
- she is discouraged by not being able to get her needs met
- she has fear of not being able to do what is asked of her
Ok, so here is how I should respond to each:
- tell her she can't get what she wants by having a tantrum; there are other ways
- acknowledge and validate her anger
- remind her that not having control is ok and in some cases not appropriate
- reassure her that I will meet her needs
- reassure her that I will help her meet expectations
- reassure her that I will accept her despite her misbehavior
The other thing that the article points to is nipping the tantrum in the bud. Yes, I see when tantrums are coming. Kira is trying to get Mei to do something and Mei doesn't get it right and Kira starts raising her voice, "NO MEI!" I suppose that at this moment, I should give the situation a lot of attention to prevent further escalation. This is difficult. I have seized this moment in the past, and despite my mediation, it still becomes a huge ordeal. Maybe what I need to do is to first establish calmness. Kira is already heated and my coming over to do damage control sometimes heats her up even more.
Another list of reminders of what not to do:
- yell
- threaten
- withdraw affection
Reminders of good things to do:
- calm down, everyone take a deep breath, whoosh
- compromise
- give choices
- reinforce positive behavior
Finally, I have to say, I can only do so much. I don't have endless reserves of patience. Once Trevor comes home from work, he can deal with some or most of the tantrums. After all, both Kira and Mei throw tantrums at me the whole day.
Everyday is a new day
I want to say it all started once Renee grew out of her baby phase and into her toddler phase. Kira could see Renee was becoming more like an equal and less like something that takes up all of her mommy's time and attention, and she can't even communicate with the thing to boot. Renee is talking now and responds to Kira's questions. I think in Kira's mind, she sees Renee as one of her peers, like her friends at school. When they play, Renee can't keep up or does not want to cooperate, and right away Kira will lose her patience, get frustrated/agitated, and eventually throw a tantrum. These tantrums range from full out crying and screaming to stomping away and refusal to discuss.
When she cries, I find myself doing any of the following:
- completely ignoring her
- putting her in a timeout (in the bathroom, door shut)
- raising my voice to reason with her
- yelling and threatening her to stop
When she stomps off, I find myself doing any of the following:
- completely ignoring her
- explaining that she needs to lower her expectations for Renee
- telling her she is not playing nicely
Honestly, I don't think any of these methods are working! Well, I know by now that tantrums need to run their course, and so ignoring the outburst is the best line of action. But it's agonizing! I'm starting to realize that what I do and say to Kira after the tantrum has subsided is important and has a lasting effect on how she views herself. Sometimes what I say to her triggers the tantrum again and by that point, I have extremely little patience to ignore the cries, screams, crossed arms, scowling, and/or attitude. Or worse, she starts other irritating behavior, like acting like a baby, or clinging onto me.
Here's something I want to remind myself whenever Kira has a tantrum. I learned about the possibility of these thoughts and feelings in Kira from this article: http://informedparent.com/articles/view/when-children-tantrum-part-2
Reasons why Kira has a tantrum:
- she knows it is one way to get what she wants
- she's angry
- she wants to gain control
- she is discouraged by not being able to get her needs met
- she has fear of not being able to do what is asked of her
Ok, so here is how I should respond to each:
- tell her she can't get what she wants by having a tantrum; there are other ways
- acknowledge and validate her anger
- remind her that not having control is ok and in some cases not appropriate
- reassure her that I will meet her needs
- reassure her that I will help her meet expectations
- reassure her that I will accept her despite her misbehavior
The other thing that the article points to is nipping the tantrum in the bud. Yes, I see when tantrums are coming. Kira is trying to get Mei to do something and Mei doesn't get it right and Kira starts raising her voice, "NO MEI!" I suppose that at this moment, I should give the situation a lot of attention to prevent further escalation. This is difficult. I have seized this moment in the past, and despite my mediation, it still becomes a huge ordeal. Maybe what I need to do is to first establish calmness. Kira is already heated and my coming over to do damage control sometimes heats her up even more.
Another list of reminders of what not to do:
- yell
- threaten
- withdraw affection
Reminders of good things to do:
- calm down, everyone take a deep breath, whoosh
- compromise
- give choices
- reinforce positive behavior
Finally, I have to say, I can only do so much. I don't have endless reserves of patience. Once Trevor comes home from work, he can deal with some or most of the tantrums. After all, both Kira and Mei throw tantrums at me the whole day.
Everyday is a new day
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